Fillies Galore Celebri-TITTIES Presents: Comic Relief

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COMIC RELIEF PAGE

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BIZARRE FACT OF THE MONTH:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
is an anagram of
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

THE OPENING ZINGER:
An American, an Englishman and an Australian were walking along a country road when they came upon a ewe, caught in midleap, entangled in a fence. Her legs were spread wide and she was "udderly" defenseless. "Oh man," the Yank said, "I wish that were Allison Smith!" I say, the Brit remarked, "I wish it were Meg Ryan." "Bloody hell," the Aussie said, "I wish it were dark."

CLICK HERE to view Comic #01: Dinosaur Boner

CLICK HERE to view Comic #02: Gulliver Decides to Travel No More

CLICK HERE to view Comic #03: Lawyers Chasing Ambulances

CLICK HERE to view Comic #04: Sir Target

SHOT OF HUMOR:
An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer were riding in a car, when suddenly it stalled. They came up with three different potential solutions: The electrical engineer suggested stripping down the electronics of the car. The chemical engineer suggested flushing the fuel system. The Microsoft engineer shook his head in disbelief. "All we need to do," he uttered with conviction, "is close all the windows, get out, get back in and open the windows again - then it will work!"

CLICK HERE to view Comic #05: Are Crocodiles Ticklish?

CLICK HERE to view Comic #06: Skool for the Gifted

CLICK HERE to view Comic #07: Smite Me!

AND NOW, courtesy of my good friend Kimberly, some levity from the REAL world:
Actually from the LA Times.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story:
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

CLICK HERE to view Comic #08: Wooly Mammoth Whistle

CLICK HERE to view Comic #09: Cost Control Seminar

CLICK HERE to view Comic #10: Shuttle Tadpole

CLICK HERE to view Comic #11: Who Owns the Glass?

Q: How is mountain climbing like getting a blowjob from Whoopi Goldberg?
A: You should never look down.

CLICK HERE to view Comic #12: Job Skills: Sleeping & Handicapping

CLICK HERE to view Comic #13: HAGAR Sneezing Dragon

CLICK HERE to view Comic #14: PEANUTS School sucks!

CLICK HERE to view Comic #15: Lot's wife has salty tits

RIDDLE ME THIS:
Q: What is the main difference between O.J. Simpson & PeeWee Herman?
A: It only took 3 jerks to get O.J. off.

CLICK HERE to view Comic #16: Snake Illustrated

CLICK HERE to view Comic #17: Jeopardy Cow

CLICK HERE to view Comic #18: Hear Sarge Think

CLICK HERE to view Comic #19: PEANUTS Cookie Overrun

CLICK HERE to view Comic #20: Introverted Male

HEAVENLY HUMOR:
God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden. So God says, "Okay - I'll make you a companion: a beautiful creature who will cook and clean for you. She will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and will never complain or argue. Best of all, she'll be able to read your mind and give you exactly what you want - you'll get a lifetime of free blowjobs without even having to ask! She will derive her pleasure solely from making YOU happy!"
Adam drools at the thought, "That sounds GREAT!"
God says "Yes, but it will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam, wincing at the thought, replies "Damn, that's expensive! What can I get for a rib?"

CLICK HERE to view Comic #21: Woolstock

CLICK HERE to view Comic #22: Dependent Racetrack

CLICK HERE to view Comic #23: I'm Married and Opinionless

CLICK HERE to view Comic #24: Nice Dress, Loretta!

CLICK HERE to view Comic #25: Noah's Unicorns

Did you hear about the new CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap and spreads easily.

CLICK HERE to view Comic #26: PEANUTS The Internest

CLICK HERE to view Comic #27: Apathy meeting

CLICK HERE to view Comic #28: WIZARD OF ID Juggle the books

CLICK HERE to view Comic #29: Slow as Manassas

CLICK HERE to view Comic #30: BROOM HILDA Ear Wax

FAVORITE BAR JOKE:
Bob and Marley were the best of buddies throughout their entire lives, ever since first meeting in high school. They were, however, of vastly different temperments. Bob always followed the straight and narrow - always went out of his way to help his fellow man. Marley did what was best FOR MARLEY with little or no regard for anyone else. He had no ethics and would do anything or screw anyone to make a buck. After he passed away, Bob of course gained immediate unequivocal access into heaven, whereas Marley, on the other hand, was not quite so fortunate. One day in the afterlife, looking down from his billowy perch from behind the Pearly Gates, Bob spotted Marley, in the depths of hell below, with a beautiful blonde on each knee and a heaping mug of beer in each hand. This got Bob to pondering - here he was, in heaven, doing OK, but nothing like what he could see of Marley below. While he certainly did not begrudge his good friend Marley any of the pleasures he was experiencing, it just didn't seem fair that Bob himself was not having as much "FUN." Bob posed his question to God - "How can this be?" Bob queried, "I led the good life and should be rewarded, not Marley! Should not Heaven be BETTER than Hell?" God smiled and replied "Look more closely, my son - Marley's mugs of beer have holes in the bottom, and his blondes DON'T!"

CLICK HERE to view Comic #31: HAGAR You wanna bet?

CLICK HERE to view Comic #32: Happy Elephants

CLICK HERE to view Comic #33: THANKSGIVING SPECIAL 1996: The Turkey jury

CLICK HERE to view Comic #34: Has Clinton pulled the wool over our eyes?

CLICK HERE to view Comic #35: Do you hide your PC under your mattress?

ANOTHER GOOD ONE:
It seems that after many years of married bliss, Mickey and Minnie Mouse start having some troubles. Finally, they decide to get a divorce. The divorce is brutal and Mickey gets himself a slick shark of an attorney. The divorce is heated and very antagonisitc. After a couple of weeks, Mickey's attorney comes to him and says: "Mickey...we've had three psychiatrists examine Minnie and all of them seem to think she's completely normal... If you want me to make a case here, you better give me some more information so that I can have a fourth shrink examine her and testify that she's insane." "Insane??" Mickey says..."I never said she was insane...... I said she was 'Fucking Goofy!!!!!'"

CLICK HERE to view Comic #36: Mood altering money

CLICK HERE to view Comic #37: Underdressed Women

CLICK HERE to view Comic #38: Conglomerate Fish

CLICK HERE to view Comic #39: The Creature from the Crystal Bernard Lagoon

CLICK HERE to view Comic #40: How about a one night stand, big boy?

CLICK HERE to view Comic #41: Ear, Nose, and Deep Throat

The beautiful princess frequently wandered through the woods searching for an enchanted frog who might actually be a handsome prince under a spell. One day she found an exceptionally ugly frog. Picking it up, she asked, "Are you a prince under a spell? If I kiss you, will you turn back into a prince?"
"Yes, I am," the frog replied, "but it's a hell of a spell. It'll probably take a blow job."

A Russian was strolling in Moscow when he accidentally kicked a bottle lying in the street. A genie appeared. "Hello, master" spoke the genie, "I will grant you a single wish - anything that you want."
"Well, I love vodka," the Russian replied, "so make my urine turn into vodka." The genie nodded and then vanished in a puff of smoke.
When the Russian returned home, he took a glass from the cupboard and pissed in it. Cautiously, he sniffed. It smelled like vodka. Trepidatiously he raised the glass to his lips and sipped. VOILA! - it WAS vodka - the best he had ever tasted! "Natasha, come quickly!" he hollered. His wife ran in and the Russian took another glass out of the cupboard and pissed into it. He told her to drink. After some hesitation, Natasha took a sip. "Sergei, it's the best vodka I've ever tasted!" she cried with glee. The two drank and partied all night. The next night the Russian came home from work and told his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He pissed in them. The couple drank until the sun came up. This behavior continued for weeks. Then one Friday night Sergie came home and bellowed, "Natasha, grab a glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. His wife brought one glass and set it on the table. Sergei pissed away and greedily drank the whole lode himself in one mighty swig, while his wife longingly looked on in stunned disbelief. "Sergei," she pined, "why only one glass? What about me?" Sergei's eyes lit up. He replied, "Because tonight, my love, you drink straight from the bottle!"

After taking his seat on a plane, a businessman was startled to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. When the man asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, the parrot squawked, "And while you're at it, how about a blow job, you dripping wet cunt?" Though visibly miffed, the flustered stewardess aimed to please, and proceeded to give the parrot the blow of his life. She then ran off, parrot cum dripping from her chin, supposedly the man thought to get his coffee. Three more times this happened during the next hour - each time the stewardess returned forgetting the coffee, the man politely requested it again, and the parrot got another perfectly performed blow job. Finally, the businessman had enough. "Look," he snapped, "I've asked you four times for coffee and haven't gotten anything yet. All I've seen you do is blow that obnoxious bird. Since you apparently are only good at one thing, I've got a little something bulging in my pants that would love to find it's way down your now-feathered throat." Moments later both he and the parrot were wrenched from their seats and thrown out an emergency exit by two burly stewards. As they plunged downward, the parrot turned to the doomed businessman and hollered, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!"

NEAR AND DEAR TO THE STABLES HEART:
In an obituary column, West Hawaii Today noted the passing of 41-year-old Waimea resident Hy Hoe Silva. AWAY!

THE CLOSING CONUNDRUMS:

RIDDLE ME THESE:

Q: Why is a condom like a wife?
A: When they're not on your dick, they're in your wallet.

Q: What's the difference between an ironing board and a Catholic High schoolgirl?
A: It's hard to get an ironing board's legs open.

Q: What do you call a Russian prostitute?
A: Onya Bakyabich.

Q: How is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you can't help wondering who was there before you.

Q: What do you get when you cross an attorney with a feminist?
A: A lawyer who WON'T screw you.

Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.

Q: Which is more profitable: a one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse? A: A one-story whorehouse, because there's no fucking overhead.

Send us your favorite comics and jokes - maybe we'll use them!

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CLICK HERE to get a password for FULL access to all pictures NOW!				Simply move your cursor over any of the icons for an explanation of where they lead to. Find the one you want and CLICK on it to go there!